I Love My Children, But I Struggle With Anger and Resentment

While many associate being a mom with happiness and joy, the reality is that for some, this just isn’t the case. For some moms it may be difficult to find that happiness and joy in parenting. There may be cycles of anger and resentment towards situations,  children or towards others related to your unique experience as a mom. Many factors can contribute to a mother feeling anger and resentment related to parenting.

For some, childhood trauma may elicit fight or flight reactions that tell your brain you need to protect. In this state of “do what you have to, to survive” you may respond in ways that are not conducive to properly handling situations with your children or others.

For some, being left with full or primary responsibility for a situation that two people created, may lead to feelings of anger and resentment.

For others, a burning desire to be different or better than your parents were with parenting, may cause anxiety or present as helicopter parenting (taking overprotective or excessive interest in your child or their life), which can lead to frustration and resentment for both the parent and the child.

Experiencing anger and resentment in motherhood may look like:

·         Becoming upset/angry with your children for doing normal kid things

·         Yelling and screaming more often than not

·         Feeling “tired” of your children

·         Always wanting a break from your children

·         Regular or constant feelings of Grief or loss (i.e. feeling like you are missing out on life, missing who you were before becoming a mom, feeling like you have loss yourself as an individual)

·         Irritability with task related to parenting

·         Excessive worry about trying to be the “perfect” mom and feelings of failure

Regardless of the root of your anger or resentment and how it may be presenting…

Today, I want to encourage you to be gentle with yourself. Regardless of whether these feelings are constant or feelings that come up at certain times, I want you to know that it’s normal to feel feelings that we associate with being negative sometimes,  and you are not a bad mom because you feel them.

How you handle and respond to those feelings are what will ultimately be the determining factor in whether or not you are able to get through them in a positive manner.  

Today, I want offer you some tips on managing resentment and anger while parenting.

1.       Find a therapist who can and will support you through these feelings. You need a non-judgmental person who you can let it all out with. Being angry or resentful does not mean that you don’t love your children or that you would cause them any kind of harm.  It’s okay to not always feel good about having to adult and be a mom, but, If you are here reading this, chances are, you are trying to push through it.  You need someone who understands this and someone who can help you work through these feelings, so that they no longer play over into your day to day parenting.

2.       When you can’t deal, get help. Often, when I find myself becoming resentful or angry, I know it’s time for some self-care. Theses are the times when I need to find me some help. Get a baby sitter, Utilize that extra hour that the daycare is open after your work shift or that early morning care option before you go to work, to give yourself a little me time, asking a trusted friend or relative to come over and keep the kids busy for an hour or two, join a mother’s day out program,  pull on support group resources in your area, find a gym that has childcare options to give you a short break to do something beneficial to your health and wellbeing. All of these are options that can be utilized when you simply need a little break. You may be able to identify other creative ways to make breaks happen also, such as sending the children to the grandparents for a weekend.  

3.       Grounding. When you feel yourself getting to that place of being angry or resentful in a moment, grounding can be a key tool to help you get through it. In the moment, stop and Identify 5 things you can see and say them out loud. For example: I can see the living room. I can see the computer. Identify 4 things that you can feel. For example, I can feel myself sweating on my forehead. I can feel my feet warm in my socks.  Identify 3 things that you can hear. For example, I can hear the tv in the background. I can hear the dog barking. Identify 2 things that you can smell (it’s okay to go find something to smell if you can’t smell anything where you are). For example, I can smell this candle. I can smell the dinner I’m preparing. Identify 1 thing that you can taste. If you can’t taste anything, think about your favorite food or something you like the taste of. Grounding is a calming technique that helps us to focus on the present and not on our anger. In intense moments, this is a tool that can help us to calm down.

4.       Try to see yourself from your child’s point of view. Remember the feelings you felt as your parents yelled at you, spoke to you disrespectfully, or placed you in situations that were uncomfortable? Remember what it was like when you really needed to be loved, but instead were met with anger and frustration? Remember the person you wished you had in your parents, but never got? It’s always a good thing to remember that our children are little people who have thoughts and feelings too. They are human, just like we are. Having positive relationships with children, just like with anyone, takes work and when we see our children as actual beings instead of people who we can control and who demand all of us, we are more likely to approach them in a positive manner.

BOSS MOM,

As I’ve said before and will say again, you have everything that you need in you to reach Boss Mom Status and maintain it. You really can be healthy and whole in every area of your life, including the part of your life that consists of parenting. While these are just a few simple suggestions to help you better manage anger and resentment, there are tons of things that you can do to address anger and resentment issues. I’ll share more at a later time. As for now, remember, the struggle is definitely sometimes real, but the goal is to overcome every mental encounter. I’m rooting for you.